The woman in John 4 was probably a very quiet person. She ordered her life in the same way as you or I – that is to say, minding her business – except she had a secret: she had five husbands before, and the man she was with wasn’t her husband. For reasons we won’t explore here, this would have been a point of great shame in those times, which may explain why she was at the well at noon instead of in the morning with all the other women. What happens next is (pun intended) revealing: Jesus exposes her. Without ever having met her, he tells her that the thing she was trying to keep to herself was known. He airs it out. It’s one thing for everybody to “know” know but nobody talks about it, and something else when it’s spoken aloud. I cringe for her, just as you cringe at the thought of people knowing your biggest secrets and most shame-inducing behavior.
But what happens here is beautiful: please go and read it one day. Jesus doesn’t offer her “living water” after exposing her but before, and her reticence (mocking?) Jesus is what causes him to expose her, THEN she gets right. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we need the exposure to finally do right? There is grace in exposure.
(Aside: All you need to remember before deciding to take on the role of “exposing others” is that you aren’t Jesus. Relax.)
I’ve been exposed this week. Really for the past few months. And before our church moves on, I wanted you to hear directly from your pastor: this café situation exposed me (us too, but I just want to talk about me for right now).
Many words have been written about the departure of the café – from parties both biased and disinterested – and we are planning a congregational conversation so that church leaders can address your questions and concerns raised by the café leaving the church/writings about this situation. It will be a great time to clear up inconsistencies and acknowledge some important lessons learned.
But before all of that happens, I wanted to speak to you about my own reflections and failings in this matter. Lessons bought for sure.
One question the Southside Weekly article raises – and certainly it’s sitting inside of you somewhere – is, “How could the church let this happen?” I am careful, like that woman at the well, about crafting an image of the church and my own leadership that is empowering, loving, and dynamic. You’ve experienced these things of me, but that article also exposed some oversights I made in my leadership of this wonderful church, and yep, I’m going to be honest about them.
When the church became anxious about money, I told myself that I needed to fix it (as the CEO!) and entertained, mostly by myself, an idea to have a café. I pushed for it when the board had many questions – questions that constituted “due diligence” but they may have been afraid to ask because of my power. What mistake did I make? I let the organization’s anxiety become my own, and didn’t pastor to that anxiety but tried to fix it.
When that café didn’t work out, and the idea for a new café came forward, I was all too glad to see that space occupied. The process mostly flowed through me (for better or worse), and I didn’t do due diligence. Instead, I relied on personal relationships to form the basis of an institutional relationship. I trusted the folks who said, “I got this.” I don’t regret trust or friendships that are now gone (nor was I alone in this trust), but I take responsibility for the questions I didn’t ask, the policies I didn’t require, the porous space usage agreement that I didn’t double-check, the business realities I didn’t tend to. Lack of documentation, lack of structures of accountability that protect the church; whether they should have been on my desk or not, they were, and I didn’t manage it properly. I didn’t want to be a landlord; it’s not my calling. When people took it off my hands, I was all too happy to go back to being your pastor, and I failed you by not including other (capable!) leaders in this process.
I failed those café employees by not doing a good enough job of distinguishing myself from café leadership, so that when they had complaints of harm they could still feel safe coming to me (even if there were NO policies!). Those employees knew me as a friend of one but not an advocate for them all, and over time they grew to believe I was part of the problem, that I was disinterested in their complaints, and ultimately, that I was adding to their harm. I HATE this perception – with every fiber of my being – AND I understand it fully, considering that the café was allowed to operate with impunity, had no structures of accountability, and no clear communication to employees. It was all very friendly. It was all very sloppy. The ethos was very hands-off. There are times when that approach is completely appropriate, and times when not staying involved puts us and other people at risk. By the time I reached out to them they had almost no trust in me.
Let it never be said, “These things happen.” No: we are not very risk-averse as a congregation, but that means we must be prepared with good processes and better boundaries to do the difficult Gospel work. In the midst of my leading that in other areas you’ve noticed, I failed to do so in this situation. I’m sorry.
Can the church leadership own some of this with me? Yes, and I’m sure they will.
Should the café leadership own some of this? Yes.
Is this about me? Good Lord, NO! But I am owning MY role in this, as a key cog in these machinations that bore unfortunate fruit, and I am hoping you will continue to trust the integrity of this church and your pastor. If not, reach out to me. I’m letting you know where I am right now so you can let me know where you are. One of the lessons I’m grateful to have learned is that we are truly in this together.
I receive the grace that you are already giving me, as God gave that woman at the well, as God gave me when showing me these mistakes (and their consequences) a few months ago. Because of her exposure, she saw God. I obviously hate that the church is being cast in this light right now, but thankfully I can give the same testimony. May it be temporary. May healing come swift. May wisdom be permanent. Let’s keep going.
–Pastor Julian
PRAYER:
Thank you for showing me who I am beyond who I want to be, and thank you for loving me anyway. I receive your living water into my being. Amen.
